"Do you like to hurt? I do, I do--then hurt me."

--A song by Bright Eyes called Lover I Don't Have to Love. Is that indie? Or is it not indie?

This is very important, so I feel it needs to be posted to this account, the one where everybody knows it is me, Carolynn. This is me. Me, me, me. Everyone knows this at this point. Let us continue.

I will not be threatened by guilt. When you make a tough decision, you have to live with that decision. If it hurts someone, it is bad, but if it is a necessary hurt, if it is for the sake of honesty and truth, then it is justified. There is a difference between telling the truth and being blunt. This case, however, is of earth shattering honesty. If one lives too long under a lie, it hurts the person. Sometimes it more than hurts.

In my decisions, I always try to always pick the right. I want to pick honesty over lies, no matter how inconsequential they seem. Every lie, big or small, that I tell hurts. They leave little hurts, the kind that just knick the skin but leave little scars to match the little hurts. I hate lying. I want to be the honest person my mom keeps telling people that I am. The more I pursue honesty, the more my own evil, lying nature points itself at me and that is a demon I need to face in my quest to become as "good" as I can. Right is more important than bad. Wrong is worse than making everyone happy. Wrong is never right, but it can sometimes be good; right and wrong and good and bad are almost never the same.

This has a point, I promise.

I am not going to be made to feel bad for making the right decision, even if it is bad. Right is what happens when your moral responsibility points you to make an action. Right is not easy, it is never easy. It's not fun to be right because people expect it over and over again, and Right has big shoes that never get full. Never. If you are right, than you are a part time saint and a full time bitch. So to negate that, you might develope little lies, the nice kind that everyone loves. I am sick of the little lies. The little elaborations with no basis in truth.

Right isn't some direction God makes you follow. Maybe it is for some. There are "godly" people that have never known Right. They never try. I want to always be Right when so often I am very Wrong.

So a specific person who may or may not be reading this--Do you think I'm happy now? I mean, honestly, truly happy? That I lie down in perfect bliss and wake up in a bed of rose petals? Hell, no. I have my problems, too. You do not have the world's greatest sorrows on your shoulders. Neither do I, but stop acting as if you're the last vestige of goodliness but are secretly a train wreck on the inside. You have a decent life. Go to Dathur and then tell me about your pitiable existance. Your life used to be meteocre; now it is miserable because of the decisions you have made. I had no hand in those. They are not my fault.

I did right. I am not satan, and I have no obligation to your misery. Don't even get started with me because I'll finish it.

Everyone else, just read this and believe it. I am having a hard time not giving up on Right because I keep fucking it up. I can't do Right because I am lazy, vile, volatile, hateful, filled with sloth and sharp words. That doesn't mean that I can't try. So nobody else give up. If we all give up on Right than it becomes nothing. Nothing at all. Everyone gives up on it because Right--a small kindness, a sacrifice, a gift--takes up our sacred time and we are too busy to waste the time correcting a lie.

If you overheard two thugs talking about jumping some kid, would you tell someone? Or would you think, that kid is not my problem, and besides, I don't want them to beat me up.

There is so, so, so much trash all around and nobody cares enough to pick it up--would you complain about how sticky it is, would you kick it to the side and continue on your way?

Would you end a bad relationship, or quit a contact because of lies? Would you tell the truth to someone who did not want to hear it, if they really needed to?

Maybe there is no point in this. It just needed to be said.